Here Goes Nothing

When I think about the most courageous physical thing I could do I think about jumping out of an airplane or maybe walking across that glass bridge in Asia somewhere or running a marathon in my 40s--OK turns out there are lots of things that make me a little scared physically.  When I think about the most courageous spiritual thing I could do I think about all the things I have already been through because those seem so hard and of course the season I am in right this second?--seems harder than any of those.  I have had plenty of seasons of my life where I thought I had maxed out my courage and I thought for sure that God had seen that I passed the test and no longer needed tests to prove courage.  I am sure that my thinking "this season tops all seasons" is fleeting and one day I may be asked to endure an even more difficult season.  I am also wise enough to realize that I am smack dab in the middle of a difficult season and things always feel harder when I am in them which is why I have learned not to trust my feelings.  Nevertheless, I feel like I have been staring at the opening of a hole in the bottom of an airplane for months now.  I have so many stories to tell and so many people to tell my story to.  I guess putting my first word on a piece of paper is my first attempt at a jump. 

My greatest friend ever recently told me that I inspire people.  First of all I think she's crazy, second of all I don't think she knows the depth or importance of her comment, but I do know that her simple comment and encouragement came at such a humble moment for me, one where my heart and ears were both open and in tune with what God was really saying and not really what my friend was saying.  Her simple words finally got me started on something God has been nudging me to do for a very long time and that is to write.  I do not know what I am doing.  I do not know the direction God wants me to go.  I do not know how to write well and inspire people intentionally.  What I do know?  God has been stretching my family further than I ever dreamt possible and seriously I have thought about writing a book over 100 times.  

Right now I don't have the strength, faith or confidence to be obedient.  But today, on a very rare Saturday, I am at "home" (we will talk about the quotation marks on another day) with only one child and it is quiet and I was wandering around wondering what I should do that would be quiet because yesterday alone I answered 123 phone calls and talked over 261 minutes (along with the help of a trusty side-kick, Crystal).  Anyway, in the sneaky way God does, He reminded me that this would be a good time to start writing--so I am.  I don't know how to write, edit or publish a book but I am pretty certain that God has been asking me to.  For this reason I named this blog Slowly Embolden.  I am slowly building the confidence and boldness to take my story to the press and show God ultimate obedience in doing something I feel completely ill-prepared, ill-equipped and horrified about. At the same time, I hope to slowly embolden someone else out there if God would so allow. 

Since I don't know how to write a book, I felt it necessary to just start practicing writing at all and start a blog.  The irony of it is that I don't even read that many blogs or follow certain bloggers and I'm literally shaking my head in disapproval of myself as I type these words but in some secret, peaceful way I feel obedient and I think I could write for days therapeutically spilling my guts to all the unsuspecting bystanders who happen upon this blog which will be one among millions out there.  But I was asked repeatedly and so I am answering and trusting that this is not the most ridiculous thing I have ever done.  

To be honest, I am not sure what it is I am supposed to be emboldening others to do or where I should start sharing my story with others.  I could share about courage being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a business-owner, a friend, gluten-free eater, Christian, church-planter, home-schooler, or foster mom.  All of these titles have forced me to have courage and live boldly at some point in my life.  I guess at times I should share about each one?  Maybe that will help clear up the direction that God wants me to go?  Maybe I will get stuck on one topic and won't be able to leave it?  What if nobody ever reads what God has prepared for me to write?  What if this is all just a silly exercise God is using to allow me to pen my own life to understand this crazy season better myself?  I guess we will all have to walk forward, slowly emboldened together.