Notebook Paper and a Kitchen Table

In the early years of marriage I knew I had a LOT to learn and let’s be honest, I still do. I grew up in a home where my mom basically did everything including working full time—technically she was the leader of the home and so I grew up with some feministic and stubborn ways. I did not realize how much I wanted to be the leader in the relationship and how difficult it was going to be for me to allow my new husband to lead me into unknown places. What I was sure of, is that I trusted God and I trusted His ways and I knew His ways were always for my good because I loved Him.

Year three everything came to a head in my marriage. I found out we were expecting our first child and my sweet husband got it in his head that he wanted to move to a house with some land (actually that idea is still in his head). When my husband gets something in his mind, he kind of obsesses over it and he is an instant gratification kind of guy but if it weren’t for him we would never do anything off course or unexpected. He showed me pictures of houses with land for weeks and even started investigating how much money we could earn from the sale of our current house. The stronger he pushed me toward this idea, the stronger I pushed back. I resisted the hassle of change and moving and having 10 acres to mow and being isolated in the country. Basically everything about his idea I hated but one thing I did not hate was him. I love my husband immensely but I gave him my opinion over and over.

One day, in the quiet I remember vividly God whispering to my heart. I remembered what I read in the Bible about my husband leading our home. I remembered verses that I grew up quoting about respecting my husband. But I remembered really NOT wanting to buy that house. But I KNEW this was my chance, my time to honor God AND my husband and allow my husband to lead our family and so I stopped. I stopped arguing. I stopped being negative and I stopped speaking against every aspect of the idea. Not long afterwards, we bought that house.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “that’s a pretty good story” but I have not even gotten to the good part yet. The story gets so much better, it gets so much deeper and so incredibly special. This story changed my life and rocked me to my core forever. It’s the reason I have retold it hundreds of times in the past decade and a half and why I must tell you about it now.

To make a long story short, we moved to that house in the country that I did not want to move to.  We even managed to make enough money on our first home to pay off my college loan. But the mortgage process proved to be more difficult than expected and finding home insurance on a modular home in the country was a hurdle I could have never imagined. We lived in the middle of nowhere and it was not my favorite but I managed. My husband loved it. And I got to see his joy having land and grass to mow. But after only living there only a short while, both of our jobs changed. The change meant a 45 minute commute for him and a likely missed opportunity for me to work remotely. The internet service in the country was still dial-up, yes dial-up and it would be too slow for the network I was needing to access. After a few months of resisting the idea of moving away, my husband relented.  He admitted that the move had been a mistake.  A mistake I would say he still regrets to this day. 

Let's take a step back for just as second.  I feel the need to explain that I grew up in a relatively traditional church and I do not know to this day if it was my ears that got everything messed up or the temperature of the teaching that I was immersed in, but I grew up to believe that if I made mistakes God would punish me and if I did good things God would give me blessings. I mean that’s how we parent, right? It is almost a natural mindset to relate them with one another and there are certainly times in scripture when God punished the naughty and gave blessing to the obedient. I remember countless prayers of well-meaning people asking God to bless their obedience. But what I did not realize at the time nor focused on in my walk with the Lord is that's NOT always what happened. Poor Job was just minding his own business when God tested him and took away all his worldly possessions and destroyed his family.  And let's not forget how David sinned repeatedly but God called home “a man after his own heart” and made him a king!

OK back to 2005, upon my husband’s admission that he had made a mistake and his apology for moving us, we agreed we should again move. The very next day, I went to a local sandwich shop where I knew the owner. I was explaining that we were going to need to get our house on the market when the woman standing next to me in the line, whom I had never met, politely asked how much land our home was on. She goes on to explain how she and her husband had been looking for 10 acres (which happened to be the exact size of our yard) and they would be interested in coming to look at our house. What?! Wow, OK. So the next day she and her husband came to our house. They looked around for a while and asked lots of questions, they discussed opportunities and considered the commute. Of course I was a skeptic and I took all that discussion as the communication that they were not as interested as we had hoped. But just then, when my skepticism had reached an all-time high, they pulled out a piece of notebook paper. That piece of notebook paper changed my life. That night at our kitchen table, God sold our house on a a piece of college ruled paper to strangers I happened to be standing next to in a coffee shop. No fancy contract. No realtor. No second showing. Nothing.  As you can probably imagine, I still have that piece of paper.

Of course this provision amazed me and overwhelmed me. But what it did most was show me I was wrong. Not only was my husband was NOT being disciplined for making a less-than-perfect choice, we were being blessed despite the imperfect decision. I can not adequately explain how this truth transformed my life.  From that point forward I saw God in a totally different way.  I was able to connect with Him in a father-daughter way like never before.  For a long time I even thought about my life before He sold our house and after, like a true defining moment.  I still can not believe that it happened.  I learned so much about God.  I learned that He is there for us no matter what.  I learned that He wants to give us gifts.  I learned that He WILL give us gifts even when we do nothing to deserve them.  I learned that I needed to take a deeper look at scripture and examine what I thought to be true.  I learned that allowing my husband to lead was only part of the blessing I would receive.  This was my first true step towards courageousness.  It is a slow process but an amazing one worth noting.  

I hope you had the time to take in every detail of this story of God’s amazing provision because this chapter is still NOT over. I promise you, it gets even better but you will have to wait some time before you get to read the ending. I hope you dare to come along with me and take your own small steps toward being slowly emboldened.  

Here Goes Nothing

When I think about the most courageous physical thing I could do I think about jumping out of an airplane or maybe walking across that glass bridge in Asia somewhere or running a marathon in my 40s--OK turns out there are lots of things that make me a little scared physically.  When I think about the most courageous spiritual thing I could do I think about all the things I have already been through because those seem so hard and of course the season I am in right this second?--seems harder than any of those.  I have had plenty of seasons of my life where I thought I had maxed out my courage and I thought for sure that God had seen that I passed the test and no longer needed tests to prove courage.  I am sure that my thinking "this season tops all seasons" is fleeting and one day I may be asked to endure an even more difficult season.  I am also wise enough to realize that I am smack dab in the middle of a difficult season and things always feel harder when I am in them which is why I have learned not to trust my feelings.  Nevertheless, I feel like I have been staring at the opening of a hole in the bottom of an airplane for months now.  I have so many stories to tell and so many people to tell my story to.  I guess putting my first word on a piece of paper is my first attempt at a jump. 

My greatest friend ever recently told me that I inspire people.  First of all I think she's crazy, second of all I don't think she knows the depth or importance of her comment, but I do know that her simple comment and encouragement came at such a humble moment for me, one where my heart and ears were both open and in tune with what God was really saying and not really what my friend was saying.  Her simple words finally got me started on something God has been nudging me to do for a very long time and that is to write.  I do not know what I am doing.  I do not know the direction God wants me to go.  I do not know how to write well and inspire people intentionally.  What I do know?  God has been stretching my family further than I ever dreamt possible and seriously I have thought about writing a book over 100 times.  

Right now I don't have the strength, faith or confidence to be obedient.  But today, on a very rare Saturday, I am at "home" (we will talk about the quotation marks on another day) with only one child and it is quiet and I was wandering around wondering what I should do that would be quiet because yesterday alone I answered 123 phone calls and talked over 261 minutes (along with the help of a trusty side-kick, Crystal).  Anyway, in the sneaky way God does, He reminded me that this would be a good time to start writing--so I am.  I don't know how to write, edit or publish a book but I am pretty certain that God has been asking me to.  For this reason I named this blog Slowly Embolden.  I am slowly building the confidence and boldness to take my story to the press and show God ultimate obedience in doing something I feel completely ill-prepared, ill-equipped and horrified about. At the same time, I hope to slowly embolden someone else out there if God would so allow. 

Since I don't know how to write a book, I felt it necessary to just start practicing writing at all and start a blog.  The irony of it is that I don't even read that many blogs or follow certain bloggers and I'm literally shaking my head in disapproval of myself as I type these words but in some secret, peaceful way I feel obedient and I think I could write for days therapeutically spilling my guts to all the unsuspecting bystanders who happen upon this blog which will be one among millions out there.  But I was asked repeatedly and so I am answering and trusting that this is not the most ridiculous thing I have ever done.  

To be honest, I am not sure what it is I am supposed to be emboldening others to do or where I should start sharing my story with others.  I could share about courage being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a business-owner, a friend, gluten-free eater, Christian, church-planter, home-schooler, or foster mom.  All of these titles have forced me to have courage and live boldly at some point in my life.  I guess at times I should share about each one?  Maybe that will help clear up the direction that God wants me to go?  Maybe I will get stuck on one topic and won't be able to leave it?  What if nobody ever reads what God has prepared for me to write?  What if this is all just a silly exercise God is using to allow me to pen my own life to understand this crazy season better myself?  I guess we will all have to walk forward, slowly emboldened together.